


Ego paenitet tot

by Idreamt_once



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-04 18:10:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14598774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idreamt_once/pseuds/Idreamt_once
Summary: Chanyeol hated himself.He never should have let Baekhyun storm out of their apartment.He was the one that did this to him.It's all his fault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sinnex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinnex/gifts).



     Chanyeol hated himself.

 

     It’s almost one in the morning. Baekhyun hasn’t returned.

 

     Their arguments never got this bad. He and Baekhyun loved each other, unconditionally. Of course, they’d had their fair share of arguments, from “who ate the ice cream?” to “why didn’t you pay the rent?”. Their arguments usually ended up with them reconciling on the bed, spending hours on end together. But it was never this bad. Baekhyun had never stormed out of the apartment with his car keys, and Chanyeol had been too stubborn to stop him.

     Chanyeol plop himself down on the couch, burying his head into the pillows. His brain recounts the entire scene, from Chanyeol’s angry words to Baekhyun’s tear-stained face.

 

     “Just because they’re not your parents doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t care!” memory-Baekhyun shouts.

     “You’ve already taken out so much money from our shared account, Baekhyun. We’re not going to be able to pay the bills if you take out any more!”

     “Are you telling me that I should let my mother die?”

     “No! But you can’t! We have to live on, Baek,”

     “No,” Baekhyun’s voice becomes cold and quiet, “You mean you have to live on,”

     “That’s not what I meant,” Chanyeol’s voice becomes strained as he tries to apologize. Baekhyun doesn’t heed him, grabs his car keys, and stomps out the door, leaving a desolate Chanyeol standing in the middle of their living room, the sound of a soft, blue piano playing from their neighbor’s kid wafting through the walls.

 

 

     Baekhyun’s cried himself out.

 

     He doesn’t understand why Chanyeol can’t see the predicament his family is in. They were never rich, and when his mother was diagnosed with cancer, they’d paid everything to try to cure it.

 

     None of it worked so far.

 

     

     He’s supposed to help his mother, but instead, he’s far away, in the bustling city. He makes good money, but city life is just as expensive. Chanyeol is the one shining light in his life.

     

     Chanyeol.

 

     Baekhyun takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He knows that Chanyeol is thinking of their future together. He understands that Chanyeol wants him to be happy. What he doesn’t understand is why Chanyeol won’t give up more money for his mother.

     “Maybe I’m being ridiculous,” Baekhyun mutters to himself. He starts the car again, pulling out of the gas station. Suddenly, his car blings. An automated voice comes on.

     “New message,” it reads, “from contact: Chanyeollie. Read?”

     “Read,” Baekhyun says, not taking his eyes off the road as he turns onto the main road.

     “I love you,” it reads. Baekhyun’s heart seizes up. In that moment, Baekhyun forgives him, He denies it, but deep down, he forgave Chanyeol the moment Chanyeol tried to apologize. His heart forgave him, but his mind did not. His mind still blamed Chanyeol for his sudden late-night drive. Baekhyun turns the car onto the hilly roads, trying to hold himself together.

 

     It’s almost 3 AM. Chanyeol has not slept a wink. It’s been seven hours since Baekhyun left the apartment. Chanyeol texted him, but was left on read. He tucks himself tighter onto the couch.

     “I’m sorry, Baekhyunnie,” Chanyeol mutters to no one, “I’m sorry,”. He makes sure his ringer is on, just in case Baekhyun calls him. His eyelids start to droop, and before he knows it, he’s falling asleep on the couch.

 

     Chanyeol groans and rubs his eyes. The sun outside is bright, casting its brilliant glow into the apartment, but, in the distance, looms dark storm clouds, ready to spill rain upon the city.  Chanyeol sits for a moment, dazed, before remembering. Suddenly wide awake, he stumbles to the bedroom, just to see if Baekhyun had gone to bed without waking him. But what he stumbles upon are the clean, pressed sheets from yesterday morning. Chanyeol checks the bathroom, where he finds that Baekhyun’s towel still hangs where it hung yesterday. Chanyeol rushes to his phone, and the piano starts again.

 

     No text messages. Not a single one.

 

     Chanyeol’s heart beats wildly. He hesitantly calls Baekhyun’s phone number. The dial tones are almost in perfect harmony with the sadness from the piano. The first call doesn’t connect, but Chanyeol does not take rejection as an answer.

 

     “Baekhyun?” Chanyeol says when the call connects.

     “Who is this?” A female voice answers. Chanyeol’s chest tightens.

     “I’m Park Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s boyfriend,” Chanyeol says.

     “I am very sorry,” the voice responds, just as the thunder booms in the distance.

 

     Chanyeol’s hands are tight as they grip the steering wheel of his car. The woman’s words play over and over in his mind.

 

_Byun Baekhyun has been in a car accident. Please come to the hospital immediately._

 

     Chanyeol’s legs can’t carry him fast enough as he sprints through the hospital to the emergency rooms. A nurse shoots her arm out, preventing Chanyeol from entering into the surgical room. Chanyeol collapses against the wall, his knees giving out as tears start to run down his face.

 

     This is his fault.

 

     Baekhyun is in the hospital because of him.

 

     Because he didn’t stop him from leaving last night.

 

     Because he was the one that started their argument.

 

     Three hours later, the afternoon has begun to set in, and the clouds are closer. A doctor comes out of the operating room with his team. Chanyeol shoots up, wobbly on his legs.

 

     “We are very sorry,” the doctor says, head low, “We did our best,”

 

     The air leaves Chanyeol’s lungs. _No. No. Not my beautiful Baekhyun._ Chanyeol stands there, frozen in shock. He takes a shuddering breath.

     “Can—can I please see him?”

     The doctor moves aside, letting Chanyeol into the room. Inside, nurses mill about, pushing machines about, cleaning up after the surgery. His eyes to go the figure on the white hospital bed.

 

     Baekhyun’s soft, golden hair fans out like a halo about his face. His eyes are closed and his expression is gentle, containing none of the anger that happened less than twenty-four hours ago. His lips lack their usual pink, instead appearing pale and sickly. Chanyeol’s feet carry him automatically towards the bed, his eyes still taking in the sight. A nurse silently moves to Baekhyun’s other side, pulling tubes out of his arm. Chanyeol’s hand goes to Baekhyun’s hands, and he caresses the cold, slender fingers. That’s when the tears start to roll.

     “I’m so sorry, Baekhyunnie,” Chanyeol whispers to Baekhyun, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” A small part of Chanyeol’s brain speaks, _He’s gone because of you, why would he forgive you?_  He sits there, before he is snapped out of his stupor by a nurse, who hands him a tray of Baekhyun’s belongings that were found at the scene of the accident.

     Chanyeol eyes the things in the tray on the nightstand, his right hand never leaving Baekhyun’s cold one. He reaches out for Baekhyun’s necklace, twirling the charm between the fingers of his left hand.

     “Baekhyun, remember when I bought this for you? Our third date. We were both so young, still high-school juniors when I asked you out. I remember I’d fallen for you as soon as I saw your face in biology class. You’d just transferred, and I was that kid with the failing grades. You helped me graduate high school, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, as he places the necklace down. He picks up Baekhyun’s phone.

     "Remember when we camped out at the Apple store just so you’d have the latest iPhone? Remember when you claimed that none of the cases fit your style, so Kyungsoo had painted one for you? He’s such a talented artist,” Chanyeol turns the phone over, and it lights up.

 

**Missed call from: Chanyeollie                07:24**

 

     Chanyeol puts the phone back onto the tray, his eyes swimming with tears again. He rises, places one last kiss onto Baekhyun’s forehead, tucks the blankets in, and says his final farewell.

     “I love you, Baekhyunnie,”

  


     The summer air is cold, a light rain whips through Chanyeol’s hair. Having just returned from the law office with documents that he did not want. Baekhyun left Chanyeol everything under his name; his car, his bank account, the apartment, everything. Chanyeol did not care for riches. He did not care for anything. He wants Baekhyun back. He wants to hear the tinkling sound of his laughter, the soft feel of his lips against his own. He wants what he will never have again.

 

     The neighbor’s piano plays a soft, sad tune.

 

     Chanyeol glances down at the paper he wrote. He checks everything to make sure everything is accounted for. He smiles to himself, a wistful, lingering smile that never reaches his sad eyes. It’s been almost a week since Baekhyun’s death, and his funeral is planned for next week. Chanyeol knows he won’t be able to control himself at Baekhyun’s funeral. He can’t bear to see the love of his life buried under dirt and marked only by a piece of stone. Chanyeol signs the paper, leaving his phone and a velvety box next to it. He takes the elevator up to the top floor.

 

     The wind is harsher, tossing his hair back and forth. The blood-red sun is just about to set. Standing on the roof of their apartment building, life seems small and insignificant. Chanyeol stands at the railing, glancing down at the road below. Perhaps it was not such a bad way to go.

     “I love you, Baekhyunnie,” he murmurs to the wind. The music from the piano ends with a harsh cadence as Chanyeol’s hands let go of the cold, steel railing.

 

     June fourteenth. The funeral is a small event. Only family and friends for the two lovers. Tears are cried, prayers are said, and the grave is dug. When the funeral is over, Chanyeol’s suicide note is read to the guests by Kyungsoo.

     “My dear family and friends,” Kyungsoo reads, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a loved one. I know that I will not be able to say my own words, so allow me to say them here now.

     To my mother and father: Thank you for the life you gave me. You taught me what love is, and how to never give up.

     To my friends: Thank you for supporting me through every stupid move I have ever made. You taught me what loyalty is.

     To Byun Baekhyun: Thank you for being in this world. Thank you for the moments we shared, for the times I will always remember. Thank you for dealing with my ups and downs. Thank you for teaching me how to love, how to be loyal, and how to forgive. Therefore, Baekhyun, I have to ask you something. Will you marry me? Will you cherish our future together? Will you stay with me until death do us part? Ironic, isn’t it? I will forever wait for you, Baekhyun. Even in death, I will wait by your side. It is my dearest hope that in our next life, that I may meet you again, that I may love you again, that I may cherish you again. _Ego paenitet tot._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

 

     The snow has fallen, a dusty covering on the ground. A soft Christmas carol plays. A wreath of white flowers leans against the gravestone, dried and crackling, pieces of it blown away with every gust. Kyungsoo’s footprints follow him as he walks to the site, removing the old wreath and placing a fresh one. He pays his respects, then stands.

     “They found something on Baekhyun’s phone, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says to the stone, “His last text message, drafted to you. He said ‘I love you, too’.” At this, Kyungsoo scoffs at himself. “Of course, he’s probably already told you this, hasn’t he? Your will left the money to Baekhyun’s mother. Her health has significantly improved since,” Kyungsoo pauses, the bitter cold wind suddenly dying down a little as he speaks again.

     “You wanted Baekhyun to have this,” Kyungsoo says, voice quiet. He places a velvety box down beside the gravestone.

     “You wanted to wait until Christmas Eve to propose to him. Christmas was always Baekhyun’s favorite holiday, and you wanted to surprise him. I remember how nervous you were, Chanyeol, when we went to browse rings. Baekhyun, would you believe it if I told you that Chanyeol didn’t think that a diamond would be manly enough for you? No, he’d settled on a sapphire. A deep blue color. ‘To match the sea’ Chanyeol said.” Kyungsoo takes a breath.

     “Merry Christmas, my friends,”

 

 


	2. Epilogue

 

The bell rings, signaling the beginning of the sixth period. Chanhyun throws one last smirk at his friend, Jongin, before settling down in his seat. Chanhyun was easily the most popular kid in school, his good looks and tall stature attracting all the girls and guys alike. Chanhyun prefered the guys, though. He stretches his long legs out from under him and leans back in his chair as the teacher walks in.

“Good afternoon, students!” a cheery Professor Kim walks in, “Today we have a new student. He’s just transferred here today. Please introduce yourself!”

From the back of the classroom, a shy boy stands up. Chanhyun doesn’t look back, too lazy. Besides, there’s no way that the new kid is going to be more attractive than he. Oh, he was dead wrong.

“Hi everyone, I’m Baekhan,” the voice is so sweet that Chanhyun turns around, his eyes falling on the smaller boy with soft, golden hair. His cheeks carry a pink flush and his lips are rosy. Chanhyun’s heart does a flip, but he squashes it down in favor of maintaining his bad boy image. Chanhyun feels strange, almost like he’s meet this Baekhan before, in another life.

“Class, please take out your notes, we will being the process of cellular respiration today!”

* * *

 

The snow falls lightly, the Christmas lights are bright. Chanhyun couldn’t be more happy. Here he was, the angel of his life, holding his hand and looking at the wondrous lights.

“Chan, look!” Baekhan nudges Chanhyun’s arm, pointing at the lights, “They’re so beautiful!”

“Not as beautiful as you, Baek,” Chanhyun murmurs into Baekhan’s ear. Baekhan giggles, pulling Chanhyun down for a kiss. It was only their third date, but they felt like they were meant to be.

Baekhan pulls Chanhyun along the streets, giggling each time the taller slipped, his long legs clumsy. Baekhan finally turns a corner and pulls Chanhyun into a jewelry shop.

“Woah!” Baekhan murmurs, his eyes taking in the amount of diamond and gold. A middle-aged man behind the counter turns around, his doe-like eyes kind.

“May I help you today?” His voice is rich, sending déjà vu down Chanhyun’s spine.

“I’d like to purchase something for my date, please,” Chanhyun says, surprising both himself and Baekhan. He has no idea why he said it, it just felt right. They were already here, anyway.

“Really?” Baekhan asks, excitement in his voice. He squeals when Chanhyun nods. The man behind the counter laughs.

“Please call me Kyungsoo,” he says, “what are your names?”

“I’m Baekhan and he’s Chanhyun!” Baekhan calls out, eyes not looking up from a necklace he was staring at, “Chanhyun come look at this one!” Both are too focused on the necklace to look at the expression on Kyungsoo’s face.

 _No way._ Kyungsoo thinks, _and today is Christmas Eve._ He turns to look at the pair, noting Baekhan’s puppy eyes and Chanhyun’s tall stature. A soft piano wafts through the streets.

“This one,” Chanhyun says, pointing at a necklace through the glass display. Kyungsoo glances at it. _Even the necklace is the same_. He unlocks the glass case, pulling out the thin gold chain with two interlocked rings, one white, one black. He hands it to Chanhyun, who smiles and clasps it on Baekhan’s neck.

“How much?” Chanhyun asks, pulling out his wallet.

“None,” Kyungsoo says. Chanhyun’s eyebrows go up.

“It’s clearly expensive! I have to pay something,”

“You two remind me of old friends. I do not charge my friends,” Kyungsoo said. This seems to satisfy Chanhyun and Baekhan, and both thank Kyungsoo, before leaving.

Kyungsoo’s footprints follow him as he walks to the site, a dusty covering of snow. The gravestone is now weathered, but the words are legible.

“I think I saw you two today,” Kyungsoo says to the stone, “I know, crazy right? I guess that true love really does continue after death.” He bends down, brushing aside snow until his fingers hit a box, the velvet covering on it worn and damp from the snow. He pulls it from the spot next to the gravestone.

“I’m going to hold onto this, I’ll give it to you when the time is right,” Kyungsoo says, peering at the sapphire ring. He tucks the box into his pocket and leaves. The fresh white flowers glitter with snow.

 

* * *

 

Chanhyun runs up the stairs to their apartment. Right before he unlocks the door, he straightens his tie and suit. Despite dating for six years, Chanhyun still felt the need to impress Baekhan. He raises his hand to knock on the door, but it swings open first. Baekhan’s cheery smile greets him.

“You’re home,” Baekhan says as Chanhyun leans down for a kiss. Baekhan takes Chanhyun’s computer bag and places it on the couch. Chanhyun settles down at the kitchen table, which was laid out with food, thanks to Kyungsoo. The older man had quickly become their friend. It was strange, how the older man knew exactly what they liked, when their birthdays were, and what of food Baekhan was allergic to. When they’d looked for an apartment, Kyungsoo had connected them with a real-estate woman by the name of Park Yoora. She had found them a place, conveniently in the same building as Kyungsoo. It was almost like it was destined to be.

“Hey, Chanhyun,” Kyungsoo says when he steps out of the bathroom, seeing Chanhyun by the table.

“Hey Kyungsoo hyung, can I talk to you for a moment?” Chanhyun says. Baekhan looks at Chanhyun quizzically, but does not question his boyfriend. Kyungsoo nods, and Chanhyun leads them into the guest room.

“Can you help me look for a ring?” Chanhyun asks, clearly nervous. Kyungsoo smiles.

“I knew you would ask at one point, so I--” Kyungsoo reaches into his bag, pulls out a velvety box with a sapphire ring. He’d polished it and gotten a new box for the couple. Chanhyun’s eyes take in the box.

“Wow,” Chanhyun says. He opens the box and gasps.

“Do you like it?” Kyungsoo asks. He already knows the answer. He already knows what Chanhyun will say.

“It’s perfect. It matches the sea,”

 

* * *

 

 

Kyungsoo watches from his apartment window as the two lovers hold hands, fingers interwoven, despite the bitter cold. They are alone on the sidewalk, with Baekhan huddling close to Chanhyun for warmth. The Christmas lights glitter and twinkle. Kyungsoo smiles to himself, listening to the carols from the radio. He watches as Chanhyun suddenly pulls away, looks down at his feet, before getting down onto one knee. He watches as Baekhan freezes, both of them watching as Chanhyun says the next words.

“Will you cherish our future together? Will you stay with me until death do us part? Will you marry me?”

Kyungsoo watches as Baekhan's hands fly to his mouth. 

"Yes, I will," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments please! I'm lonely...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super depressed right now, not because I wrote this, but because I have AP exams coming up, and I legit don't know anything about Calculus except that 2+1=3.


End file.
